It’s Back and I’m Scared

You know that quiet guy, the one who always seems so easygoing and calm, who just listens patiently as you complain about your life ? Well, he just found out his brother's cancer came back. He had an upsetting morning before work, but yet he still came into work. He hasn't complained about his day or asked for your pity for his brother. He just quietly listens and nods as you talk about your problems.

Unfortunately, that guy is me , and that is how my Saturday started.

This weekend, I received some difficult news. My brother's cancer has returned. It’s hard for me to know how to feel right now. Part of me wants to be hopeful that they can cure it , but I'm also scared about what could really happen. He has been through so much already, including a previous surgery, and it's tough to see him go through this again. I'm trying to stay strong for him , but it's definitely a struggle. When I talk to him, I'm not sure what to say. I want to know how he feels about his situation, but I get the feeling he doesn't want to talk about it. It's tough, because I want to be there for him, but I also want to respect his boundaries and feelings. I'm just not sure if he's going to face this round of treatment with the same enthusiasm and hope that he did the first time, and that will be hard for me to see.

We don’t know all the details yet and expect to know more in a couple days. I just have this terrible feeling it’s not going to be a good outcome. Something just tells me to hope for the best , but expect the worst.

Well we did get another phone call today , which brought a wave of familiar apprehension. My brother needs another biopsy, a crucial step to verify the stage of his cancer and where it's currently located. While a part of me dares to hope they find nothing at all, I know in my heart that's unlikely. Still, we're choosing to walk into this next phase with high hopes, clinging to prayer for the best possible outcome. It's a challenging road, but we'll face it together, one step and one prayer at a time.

Update : 6-19-2025

Well we received the biopsy results today, and it's the same cancer my brother had before, but it has spread so significantly that it's no longer curable. It's throughout his chest and abdomen, with no way to halt its progression. 

The current plan involves 12 chemotherapy treatments, one every two weeks, to see how his body responds. The goal is simply to slow its spread and, though they didn’t use these exact words, essentially to prolong his life. I just hope he doesn't suffer too much with sickness or pain. He's said that if the chemo makes him too ill to enjoy life, he'll stop it. But that's a double-edged sword; if he stops, the cancer will surely take over, and I imagine he'd still experience pain and discomfort from that. So, we're just praying for the best possible outcome. I love my brother, and watching him go through this is incredibly difficult. I feel so helpless.

As I'm writing this, I got a message from my brother: he's back in the ER.

His first round of chemo has caused his heart to go into Afib. The hardest part is, this was also a side effect the first time he went through chemo. It feels like the difficult side effects have already started, and it's only just begun.

More than anything, I want to fix this for him. It's truly agonizing to watch my younger brother go through so much, and feel utterly powerless to make it better.

Please help me pray for the absolute best outcome for my brother.

Be sure to check back often , because I will update this post as new information comes around. 

Thank you for joining me as I 

Wander Around My Life